The Great Mushroom War
by symbal21
Summary: Just what happened to make the impossibly amazing land of Ooo possible. The truth may be shocking, relationships were tested, lives were changed, an innocent souls were sacrificed. Find out here. R&R!
1. Prolouge

**Hello Fanfic community, what time is it? Preview TIME! So yeah, I dig this show Adventure Time a lot, especially the continuity episodes that flesh out character relations. I notice right now 70% of adventure time fan fiction is more shipping of Marceline and princess bubblegum, 15% is some OC Mary Sue being Mary sues, and 10% is some retelling of Ice kings past without expanding on it, and 5% actually features Finn and Jake. But hopefully the episode "I Remember You" has influenced people to think beyond all the shipping and appreciate the depth that is being added to character relationships. I know it definitely has influenced me to write this story.**

**As you can probably guess from the title, this will be my take on what could have happened before, during and directly after the Mushroom War. This is only a preview because I want to wait until after "The Lich" to see if can give me any more food for thought. So lemme know what you guys think of this.**

* * *

THE GREAT MUSHROOM WAR

"_Date: April 19__th__ 2XXX. Location: Inner Caves of Machu Picchu. Hello, my name is Simon Petrikov and this is my 14__th__ expedition in search of relics of the past. As I stated on my previous recording, I have been given Intel on the possible location of an ancient treasure, guarded by the treacherous landscapes of the great mountain Machu Picchu. It has been a long journey through the rugged plains of Peru, and the rocky cliffs of this magnificent landscape, but I have finally arrived inside one of the many caves hidden within the mountain. Unfortunately at this juncture, we have been halted by a blockade interrupting our path. Oh, I'm sorry I've forgotten my manners. Yes I have not come alone, accompanying me is my…"_

Before he could finish the video, the cave began to quake. Rock and debris began tumbling down from the walls and the ceiling. Simon began running, trying his best to evade the rubble descending upon him. He tried his best to salvage his camera and the footage he captured, dropping it in the process. Before a rock could crush it he picked it up and began running for cover again. He was able to duck under some rocks in a corner as the walls slowly became lined with rocks. He closed his eyes until the destruction finally stopped. There was still a wide enough opening for him to escape out of the rocks from.

Once he was freed, he saw before him a small mountain of rocks where a glimmer of light peaked through from the roof of the cave. Atop the mountain stood a young man with a blade shining in the sunlight. It had a twisted brown grip and a copper guard with a blue jewel encrusted in its center. A golden ball glowed at the bottom of the hilt. A little brown dog barked beside him in excited.

"Yo Simon! Check her out! Looks like this cave has some pretty crazy stuff in it after all!" The man said brushing aside the blonde hair that covered one of his blue eyes.

"Do you have to be so hasty all the time? I almost died back there!" Simon said. He started brushing off the dust and dirt off his brown coat.

"Oh, hehe, sorry. But an adventure ain't an adventure without a few things getting banjaxed." The man said sheathing his sword.

"Remember we're trying to find ancient artifacts of the past. They're very delicate so take care not to be so reckless."

"Yea yea whatever."

"Well luckily the tape isn't damaged too badly. Have you found a way forward?"

"Yea thanks to lil Jacky sniffing out a river on the other side. We squeeze through this little hole and there's a whole world of adventure on the other side!" He said scratching the little dogs chin. Jacky replied with excited back leg kicking.

"For the last time Pen this isn't an adventure it's an expedition to find-"

"Yea yea, we'll find some of those trinkets you like too." He interrupted.

"Well ok, let's trudge on. But this time, perhaps I should lead?" Simon suggested.

"Whatever, I'm good with anything as long as we get into some mighty action." Pen said slamming his fist into his hand.

They continued to walk through the cave as the light shined brightly above them. This was just the beginning of the tragic story of these two men.

* * *

So I hope this has interested some folks. I normally don't do OCs but I assure you I have a plan with him and this story. If you like adventure time and I do my job as a writer well then you should enjoy this story. lemme know in the reviews.


	2. Chapter 1

**So I caught The Lich on Monday, and needless to say my mind was blown! And the best part is that it's given me enough ideas to not have to drastically change what I had in mind for this little project from the start. So without further ado here is The Great Mushroom War!**

* * *

Chapter 1

"_We are progressing diligently through the cave, facing only minor injuries. Pen's faithful Bulldog Jack has been a great asset to our search, as tenacious as ever. I can feel the ancient Peruvian Telescope is ever closer. If we can find proof of its existence it would provide a logical explanation to famous Nasca lines and other seemingly impossible works of art from our ancient past. Of course legends also say it was capable of locating and dragging people from anywhere in the world to the jewels location, and the native people used this to gain sacrifices, so you can never trust the superstitions of our less evolved ancestors. You know as my excitement builds so does my anxiety for my beloved princess Betty. I always dread leaving her behind on these trips but her safety is first. After all-"_

"'Ey Simon, if your done making more love letters to Betty, you may wanna take a look at this." Pen said interrupting the filming.

"I hope to raise a family one day you know, and I want my children to be proud of their daddy." Simon said quickly shutting off the camera.

He was then taken aback at the beauty that lay stretched out before him. The cave had expanded into a small lake. Pockets of light shimmered against the nearly invisible water, revealing all the tiny creatures that made the stalagmites and tites home. Waterspouts occasionally burst with a mist of water, making the area both very cool yet humid.

"Amazing." Simon said reactivating his camera. _"It appears somehow the caves have formed some kind of natural irrigation system, streaming water into this pocket. While its beauty cannot be denied, this lake has become yet another obstacle on our journey. I do wonder how we'll-" _

Again before he could finish a splash of water hit his face. Pen had already stripped from his blue vest and cargo shorts and jumped in. Jack was following right behind him, confidently paddling his way through the water.

"Come on Simon you've got to try this! The water is perfect. Reminds me of the lake me and Jacky use to muck around in back around the farm in Ireland."

"I suppose we don't have much of a choice." Simon sighed putting his camera away. "But what about your clothes?"

"Relax man." Pen said. "It's not like some bears are gonna come banging up the place. It's all good." He said as he rested beside a rock. Jack soon pounced on him licking his face.

"Thank goodness I decided to spend the extra on this water proof bag." Simon said as he packed Pen's clothes. "This should make a decent float."

Before he could get out of his clothes however, a wave of water swallowed him. Before he knew it he was gasping for air, in soaked clothes atop the bag.

"Sorry bro, Jack challenged me to a cannonball contest, and I had to show him who's boss."

Simon just gave him an annoyed glare.

"Hey this current is pretty strong for a lake." Pen said.

"You're right…I can't control myself anymore." Simon said beginning to wobble on the bag.

"Bark! Baroo!" Jack barked.

The three of them then saw the problem. The lake turned out to be a river heading straight for a water fall.

"WAAAAAAAAAH!" They screamed as they desperately tried to swim against the current. Their pitiful attempt did nothing to slow them down from being sucked into the stream. Their wails slowly disappeared into the sound of the violent water.

* * *

Pen struggled to open his eyes.

"Oh man why do I feel pain…everywhere?" He said as he slowly got back on his feet.

He saw Jack nudging an unconscious Simon.

"Simon!" Pen yelled as he rushed to his friend.

"Don't worry pal. I won't let any friend of mine go out like this; we've been through way worse than this wee little cave." Pen said.

Jack began licking Simon's face.

"Did…we live?" Simon asked groggy.

"Yea, nothing but a few broken bones. That's never slowed us down before eh?" Pen said with a smile.

"Easy for you to say." Simon said as he tried to get up. "Well then…there go my legs."

Pen then lifted Simon across his shoulder and began trudging through.

"Come on, let's go." Pen said.

"I don't know if I'm going to make it…So many things I wanted to do...Just make sure you tell Betty that I…"

"Eh shut ya gob! You get a bit knackered and you want to talk about the end of the world and all that." Pen said. "Don't you remember what we've been through?"

Jack began to feel uneasy.

"Like the time we got trapped in that sunken ship, looking for that cursed pirate peg leg. Then that giant monster attacked us."

"I told you that wasn't a monster. There are no such things. It was just a Megalodon that was trapped in ice that broke free when you lifted that anchor." Simon replied.

"Yea you said that then too. You never believed in the supernatural stuff. Makes me wonder why you go through so much to get all this stuff." Pen said.

"I want to be recognized as an antiquarian. I've told you that."

"Right blowhard Kaol taught you and what not. Well you're gonna be a better antikrian than him. The best bloopin one there's ever been. As long as I'm around."

"…Thank you." Simon said.

As they walked a beacon of light appeared in a seemingly empty chamber of the cave.

"Hey remember the time we went into that abandoned museum, and little Jacky couldn't stop sneezing his brains out, and almost got us crushed by those old dinosaur bones?" Pen said to his barely conscious friend.

"He's gotten us into a lot of trouble you know. I only forgave him since he also found the prehistoric tablet showing how the first people made fly soup."

"What about the time those wolves chased us down into that giant igloo, and you played that tune on those drums of yours to get em to start dancing, ha-ha I swear I peed myself when that wolf tripped on himself! You gotta show me how to rock out like that sometime."

"You know that's just a small hobby."

"Then Betty wanted to hear your songs and you got all red in the face. That was still when you lacked the stones to talk to ladies."

"Well you had probably already gotten to them before I could ever say anything."

"You know what they say, first come first serve. Course I don't know why you'd wanna settle down so early. At your age you should be hooking up with tons of "princess"."

"I know what I'm doing I just…hey what's wrong with Jack?" Simon said.

Jack began growling himself, looking around frantically.

As Pen walked on through the depths of the cave, he began hearing growling sounds.

"What's it boy? We got some goat suckers glomping around in here?" Pen said stopping in his tracks.

He could feel them. Some creatures were circling them, snarling and sniffing. Pen unsheathed his sword and Jake bared his teeth.

Suddenly one of the figures charged Pen, emerging from the shadows. Jack immediately pounced on the creature holding it down. Two more figures jumped from the shadows. Pen kicked one and karate chopped the other.

"What are they?" Simon asked.

"Zombie warriors!" Pen said.

"You will not touch precious stone! You will leave here and you will die…In that order!" One of the figures said in his dry voice. He reached out a thin, fragile finger.

They were grotesque, with bald heads, clammy skin and strange clothes. They had feathers around there heads, and wore only animal skin loincloths. Their eyes were pale and they had tiny fangs in their mouths.

"Look closer, they're just some ancestors to the people of old, who were left behind here." Simon concluded.

"Oh come on they're obviously zombies!" Pen disagreed.

As they argued the figures continued to sniff around and one began to assault yet again.

Jack tried his best to fend off the attackers but was thrown away quickly.

"Sorry Simon but I can't fight without the use of both of my grabbers. Soo…" Pen said as he tossed Simon away from the horde of creatures. "Jacky take him far away from the zombies find the telescope I'll be with ya soon."

Jack immediately grabbed Simon and dragged him away from the savage creatures.

"Surrender your meat!" a creature said.

"NEVER!" Pen denied with a vengeance.

Jack and Simon could only hear Pen slicing and punching nearly undead flesh.

"Pen!" Simon said slowly rising to his own two feet. He banged his head against something before getting up all the way.

"Ah this is it!" Simon said recognizing the object. A huge crystal lay before him embedded in stone. The light from above shined on it, making it difficult to see it without getting blinded. In each of the small shapes that made up the crystal one could see different landscapes.

"Beautiful! There has to be some way to get this out."

"Woof!" Jack barked. He excitedly chased his tail and tripped on a stone that pressed in.

Soon the entire cave began to rumble.

Pen, battered and beaten, just finished punching out another attacker when the quaking began.

"What's going on? You get the Telescope?" Pen asked as he began running towards Simon and Jack. The creatures chased after him.

"Yes, but now I don't know what's going to happen." Simon said rubbing his eyes.

The quakes began to grow louder. Rocks began falling from the ceiling. One such boulder crushed the approaching mutants.

"Ha-ha sweet." Pen said satisfied.

Suddenly magma began flowing inside the cave.

"We better hold on to the telescope." Simon said.

All three of them hopped on the massive jewel as the magma began rise.

"It looks like this is it." Simon said.

"If it is then let me say it's been an honor hanging with you, you old sap." Pen said.

"Likewise." Simon said.

Jack cuddled between the two of them whimpering.

The magma then shot up from beneath the crystal.

* * *

On the outside a woman waited beside a car with fear in her heart. She could only watch and pray for the best as she looked on the mountain before her. Suddenly a great sound resonated within the area. The ground began to vibrate beneath her. Suddenly from one of the mountain peaks an explosion of lava burst through. From high above one could see what appeared to be a shining star. It began to come closer. Closer…closer…Until it finally appeared only a few feet away from the woman.

Simon, Pen and in his own way Jack screamed as they fell down right on top of the car. Needless to say it was decimated, but the telescope, the legendary jewel remained perfectly intact.

Everything was silent for a moment. The woman stared at the two men in confusion. Pen and Simon stared at each other, and after a few moments began celebrating.

"OH YEA!" they said in unison as they fist bumped. They then began to break out in dance until Simon fell off, suddenly remembering his broken legs.

"You're all ok! And you got the telescope!" She said running up to them.

"All in a day's work m'lady." Pen said.

"Simon! Are you ok?" she said as she picked him up.

"Don't worry Betty…just a few broken bones, never slowed me down…hehe" Simon said shyly. "My eyes kind of hurt though; the stone must blind those who stare at it too long."

"Oh no!"

"Don't worry a trip to the optometrist and a pair of glasses and I'll be fine." Simon assured.

"You see I told you all this was too dangerous." Betty said. "I don't know what would happen if I lost my Simon."

"Hey hey now, sure you don't wanna be saving that until home?" Pen said with a devilish smirk on his face.

"Oh Pen thank you for protecting Simon, again. I swear he has a death wish." Betty said.

"Hey I handled myself pretty well today I think." Simon said.

"Oh I'm sure you did, you took great video while Pen got rid of all the bad guys." Betty said giving Simon a kiss.

"No I…" Simon said somewhat embarrassed.

"What about the car how are we gonna get back?" Pen asked.

"It's ok, you're brother heard you guys were here looking for another artifact and rushed to pick it up. We can take his car."

"What! A long car ride with Kaol…no thanks I'd rather walk back." Pen said.

"Oh come on silly, you're already tired from all that adventuring today anyway." Betty said.

Jake began dragging Simon and Pen reluctantly followed.

* * *

"So it appears you got quite a haul this time Simon. I hope my foolish brother didn't get in the way." A mature man said.

They were all inside an expensive limousine. Neon lights lined the trimmings of the interior. There was black fur covered every seat and every wall. There skeleton heads were on everything from the window buttons to the glasses Kaol used to elegantly pour his beverages. Even he bore a fairly large skeletal horn around his chest as a necklace. It somehow seemed to match the black shirt underneath his pure white coat and gray slacks.

"You better hope my foot doesn't get in the way of your teeth." Pen mumbled. Jack quickly bit him to silence him.

"It was lucky for us you came Professor Kaol. I hope the telescope will be safely studied at the museum." Simon said. He peered out the window to see the small truck carrying the artifact behind them.

"Oh don't you worry about it, we'll take it from here. And it's been far too long since someone's called me professor. Call me curator." Kaol replied. He poured himself a glass of wine.

"I have to say, your work in collecting these ancient artifacts has been a real blessing to me. I'm proud to have called you my student." He took a sip.

"You've collected so many more artifacts then I've been able to, and yet you don't wish to study them and learn of their power. I'm almost sad I've retired from artifact hunting. "

"That's a joke right curator Kaol? You above all else should know that these are not actually supernatural items."

"Ah yes, I use to be like you young and one track minded. But as I grow older I can now feel the power, the story these objects tell. I believe they are revealing themselves for a reason, and when we have found all of these legends of old, we'll be told the true history of the world."

"And mom says I'm the one of my rocker, you walnut!" Pen said.

"Pen calm down." Betty said.

"Come now, I've seen you when you're by yourself talking to your sword like it's alive. You believe in the power of these artifacts to don't you?" Kaol insinuated.

"You what! I'll…"

"Wait!" Betty called.

Jack once again bit him to calm him down.

"Sorry boy I forgot he ain't worth the effort to scrape my knucks." Pen said.

"The fact you're both still alive amazes me." Kaol said.

"Well it wouldn't have been possible without Pen. Keeping my Simon safe." Betty said.

"Actually I…" Simon tried to get in.

"Well I'm glad his brute strength can be useful for something." Kaol interrupted. He began fiddling with the horn around his neck.

"Just shut up and give us the money." Pen said.

"Right here's your pay." He said handing each of them a golden card. The card shot a hologram of a different number for each of them, and then turned gray.

"You know I understand you have just gotten back from a difficult adventure, but I've heard that there is a really magnificent artifact in Greece. A book they say." Kaol announced. "In order to access it you need three other artifacts. I wish I could tell you more, but sadly that is all I know."

"Hey you hear that guys! What do ya say?" Pen said getting excited.

"Well we've been through a lot and getting the supplies for these trips requires a lot of planning…" Betty said.

"Besides I have…other plans in the meantime." Simon said with red on his face.

"Well, just keep it in mind." Kaol said. "I believe this is your stop Simon." Kaol said. They were on a street block in front of an average sized house.

"Betty if you would be as so kind as to join me inside." Simon said holding his hand out for his woman as he exited the car.

Betty giggled and blushed as she gracefully accepted his hand.

"So where is my idiot brother going?" Kaol inquired. "Surely he'll need something to occupy his time if he can't go on adventures."

"I'll be fine you butt!" Pen said. "…I'll be fine."

* * *

The Ancient telescope was dragged on a cart by four men as they reached the Museum. Kaol himself followed the jewel into its new room. It was dark, but one could feel the dark energy flowing in the room. There were many artifacts collected from Simon and Pen's adventures. There was a desk with two candles, which would offer the only light to the room.

"Finally." Kaol said to himself. On the desk he drew a dorky smiley face and placed a cell phone in the center of it. He then pulled out two beetles and squirted their fluid over the phone. Suddenly all the candles lit and the face began to glow.

"MALOSO PERMITTIT SPIRITU TUO COLLOQUIO!" He commanded.

A great pillar of fire arose from the spot and soon formed a vortex. A demonic face appeared in the hole created.

"What the?" The voice said. "Well if it isn't old Kaol. You going to break my seal once and for all or what? When are you gonna scratch my back, after all I've done for you huh, pal?"

"You know our deal, Lord of all Evil, I will free you once you grant me immortality, and you'd do that when I've found a vessel for your heir, as I was not fit." Kaol replied.

"Yea, and I told you there's no way you'd be able to find a suitable host, you remember that huh?" the voice snarked back.

"Oh yes all too well which is why I have acquired this item!" Kaol said directing the demon's attention to the Peruvian telescope.

"With this it'll be easy to look anywhere in the world, and drag the exact person you described to this location."

The demon appeared to choke at this revelation. "Oh no, now the mustard and the bread is everywhere. Dang it." It said. "So congratulations you got a fancy diamond, well I have a little secret for you."

"No tricks Lord of Evil!"

"Not a trick, try this treat. Since I had been waiting so long for you to get back with a sacrifice, and business had been slow, not to mention, you know I'm not getting any younger."

"Get on with it!"

"I decided to produce an heir of my own. Only a few years back actually." The voice revealed.

"What! But how did you…your seal!" Kaol said enraged.

"Hey come on. I'm a demon from the nether realm, I have my ways. "The voice replied. "I'm sorry but you're a little too late, unless you're going to release me from the Nightosphere." The voice said quite pleased with itself.

Kaol paused for a moment.

"What if I find this heir? If I were to slay this potential heir of yours then surely I'd be the more suitable heir and you won't be able to deny me anymore."

"Well… I suppose if you were capable, you could potentially take its place. But that won't be possible unless of that is possible unless you know my real name anyway, so come on just free me all ready. I promise I'll be your best friend forever. You know a friend of mine made that deal once, don't know if it worked out all too well for him though."

"Well then here's my little secret, I already know your real name, Hunson Abadeer!"

Before the voice could respond, Kaol smashed the phone into pieces, destroying the portal.

"I need to find the child bearing the name Abadeer. Then I can finally achieve immortality." Kaol said heaving with anxiety.

"With the telescope, I'll be able to find him easily. I just need some leads. I'm sure the answers are in that book the Enchiridion!" Kaol said as the candles flickered out.


	3. Chapter 2

3 years had passed since then. During that time Simon and Betty's relationship had escalated to the point where Simon finally proposed to her. Betty accepted without question. Simon wanted his "princess" to live in an ancient castle he had his eye on. In fact it was the whole reason he began collecting artifacts for Kaol's museum. However for both the wedding, honeymoon and the castle, Simon still did not have enough. Determined to fulfill his dream, he remembered Kaol's words about the book in Greece. Meanwhile, Pen continued exploring and adventuring for a little while, but quickly realized it wasn't the same, not to mention without the pay for finding the artifacts, he could barely afford to take care of himself after each increasingly dangerous journey. He hadn't seen or heard much from Simon in that time and desperately wished to have what they had back. He then remembered his brother's words about the book.

* * *

"Simon, it's ok we don't need to this. I'd be happy with whatever kind of house we lived in, whatever kind of wedding we'd have as long as we're together." Betty pleaded as Simon walked out of the car.

"I promised you Betty, when you become my wife you'll be treated like royalty. I won't go back on that." Simon said straightening his glasses. "I promise I won't do anything without telling you, my love."

He walked up the steps to the massive museum in front of him. The doors move aside as he approached. Inside there was a crowd of children at the new historical exhibit in the museum. There were all kinds of strange looking creatures and items on the walls. Simon recognized some of these as recreations of the objects he and Pen collected over the years.

The cursed katana of the samurai Bakanayatsu from the spooky old pagoda, the old stone tablet from the old yeller well in Scotland, even the world's oldest statue made entirely of nose hair from Madagascar, they were all represented there. But there was something different about these recreations. They were crude copies modeled more like cartoon cut outs rather than precious pieces of history. There were even people in giant suits, dressed to appear as the old historical figures, dancing around like morons. Simon looked on a wall that had an advertisement for all the new child orientated museum exhibits.

"Simon, can it really be you?" a voice from above called.

Simon peaked over the staircase leading to the top floor. Over the balcony stood Kaol waving.

"Yes I have some things I wish to discuss with you, if you have the time." Simon said.

"Oh yes, please come on up." Kaol said as he walked down a corridor.

Simon managed to push himself through the mob of children and made his way up the stairs.

"The children seem to be very happy. I don't remember the museum ever being a child's favorite afterschool activity." Simon said catching up to Kaol.

"Yes I'm sure as you can tell I've made a few adjustments to make my museum palatable for the youth of today. You see many children are board by the stories of yesterday and don't value their education. But l earnestly believe that there is always that one…special child who will make themselves known to the world…hopefully very soon." Kaol explained with a creeping smirk.

"I…see." Simon said.

"You were one of those special children. When you stepped into my history class all those years ago, I knew we had a bright one, which leads us to why you're here." Kaol said as they reached his office.

"Have a seat." It was a small office with a simple desk, with a computer, two guest chairs and a small lamp. Simon was surprised to see Pen sitting in one of the seats. He had Jack asleep on his lap.

"Pen! What are you doing here?" Simon asked.

"I wanted to get the gang back together. Do you have any idea how booooooring it is back home? It's bollocks! I wanted to get the ol gang back together. You, me, little Jacky and the sweet lass Betty."

"You'd even come to your brother for us to get back together?" Simon said, touched.

"Don't say it like that, sounds all wrong." Pen said.

Simon took a seat as well. Kaol went behind the deskand took his chair

"Yes Pen was quite eager for you all to be reunited. So I told him you'd be here today. I just…had a feeling."

"That's Bunk. If you ask me I think someone was snooping around with some old world trinkets." Pen whispered to Simon.

"So I assume you've finally taken my advice to procure the hero's handbook, The Enchiridion!" Kaol began.

Simon had a look of shock on his face, while Pen looked more annoyed then impressed.

"Well I can't tell you much more than I did 3 years ago, it is hidden away in the tower of winds in Athens."

"Great you bring me here, blather on about the same rubbish you always do, and have nothing more to give. Quit wasting my time!"

Pen got up in a huff dropping Jack on the floor. He made for the door.

"Hold on you lummox. There is one other thing."

Pen settled down. Jack began growling after being disrupted from his lap.

"Remember those three other artifacts I told you were necessary to access it?" Kaol said with a smug yet excited look on his face.

Both Pen and Simon's eyes opened up.

"Well in my research I've discovered that the three artifacts are actually merely three items. You need the representations of the three elements of a hero. Strength, Death and Righteousness. Or if I can put it more precisely…"

"Death! As in the remains of creatures long since past!" Kaol said revealing a skeletal horn matching his own. "Strength! As in our family's sword, Pen." "And most importantly, Righteousness, something that can only be represented with the heart of a hero."

Pen and Simon clutched their hearts frightened at what Kaol would do next.

"Or to substitute you can always take this vile of blood." Kaol said shaking a small tube filled with blood.

"Is it heroic?" Pen asked.

"I don't know, probably. I doubt dead Greeks can tell the difference." Kaol said with a shrug. "So what do you say Simon?" Kaol said.

"Yea man, you haven't said a word this whole time." Pen said.

Simon hesitated, pondering going on another adventure despite Betty's protest.

"How much are you willing to pay for this? Simon finally said.

"Oh Simon, I've given you hundreds even thousands of credits for your regular finds. If you do this for me Simon, not only will you have a plaque in this museum naming you as the antiquarian of the millennium, but I'll pay you 50 million credits up front each."

Pen's eyes almost exploded. "Janey Mack! That's a lot of cabbage!"

Pen thought for a little longer knowing at that price it wouldn't be easy to acquire. He finally assured himself that it would be his last adventure and that he would dedicate the rest of his life to Betty and the items he has already collected.

"Alright let's do it." Simon said.

"Yeah man, you know what time it is?" Pen said ecstatically.

"4:12?" Simon responded.

"It's GangUnitingArtifactFindingMo neyGettingBoredomKilling Time!"

"Hmm that's a bit long." Simon said.

"Oh…then it's ADVENTURE TIME!" Pen then punch Simon in the gut.

"…Why?" Simon said sprawled on the floor.

"Whoops, sorry 'bout that thought you'd bump my knucks." Pen said.

"Ooo." Simon groaned in pain.

Pen brought Simon back on his feet. "Come on. We have a lot of work to do!" Simon said brushing dirt of himself. They left the room with Jack following behind them, still angry about being dropped.

Kaol reclined back in his seat with a smile of pure satisfaction. He pulled out a newspaper from his desk. There were many articles about nations becoming more hostile to each other, and governments breaking down. One article that caught his eye in particular was one about the weather becoming much harsher in different nations. Africa was in peril over a scorching season, while Russia was in panic for a nuclear winter. Before he could finish the article, one of his museum hands walked in.

"Mr. Ward." He said.

"What is it, do you have the list?" Kaol asked.

"Yes sir." He said as he handed him a clipboard.

"Alan, Andy, Allegri, Arsenial…" Kaol said reading off the list. "NO ABADEER! NOT EVEN A HUNSUN JR!" He tossed the clipboard to the ground. He was red in the face and gasping for breath.

"I need to calm down, I've waited so many years, a few more won't hurt. I'm sure the mother of the child is trying to elude me. But once I have the book it will all come together.

He walked out to see the children still excitedly scurrying about the museum. A crowd had gathered around Simon and Pen.

"Are you the guys Mr. Ward said would find the hero's handbook!" A child asked them.

"Uh yea sure kid." Pen said.

"That's so awesome! When you get it can I read it I want to be a hero real bad!" The child said snot dripping down his nose.

"Ugh. Yo Simon let's bail, kids weird me out." Pen suggested. He turned to see his bespectacled friend donning a crown and paper machete sword.

"Stand tall brave soul! The mark of a hero cannot be written in any book, as it is only found in the heart of the most righteous of warriors." He said in his most exaggerated Old English accent.

"Who are you?" One child asked as if he'd been blind the whole time.

"Who am I? Why I am the late great and surely won't tolerate any hate King Arthur. If you bend your knee I shall knight you as my most dependable hero." Simon said raising his fake blade.

"That's so lame dude." Pen stated.

"I wanna be knighted!" One child said.

"Yea don't be selfish with the knighting!" Another one said.

"I don't want to be an outcast knight me too!" A third voice added.

Soon a crowd of kids surrounded Simon begging to be knighted.

"You and kids man, I'll never understand." Pen said as he watched the spectacle.

"But mom I want to be knighted by the king!" One little girl said tugging on her mom's sleeve.

"Don't worry Marceline; we can have more fun at the museum tomorrow." Her mother replied as they walked out the doors.

* * *

2 things. One sorry this chapter was so short, but sometimes when your writing you find the perfect part to stop. Don't worry I've already gotten started on chapter 3.

Two. I rushed the ending and posted a version of this chapter missing crucial elements. This is a more recent version that has those elements so if you read this once before and you're seeing new things, that's why.


	4. Chapter 3

"This is the last time Betty, I promise. It's for our future." Simon pleaded with his fiancée in their small home. He was on his knees, feeling the cold ground even through his winter slacks.

"Simon, you promised me you wouldn't do anything without telling me!" Betty argued.

"I haven't done anything yet. If you hear me out…" Simon began as he got off the round and approached Betty.

"It won't matter will it? You've already have your coat on. I bet you and Pen already began packing haven't you?"

Simon hesitated. "Betty please…I want the best for us. I agree with you! I don't want to spend the rest of my life going on these dangerous adventures when I just want to be recognized as an antiquarian. I want to be able to retire and look back on my work. I want our children to be proud of their father."

"Then don't go! We'll be fine here, in this little house. You know I make enough as a biologist."

"Yes I know Betty, and it gives me great pride to know you chose me as your husband. But we're talking 50 million credits! With that we could leave all of this treasure hunting behind and live a life of nothing but luxury."

"Assuming you make it back alive. My heart can't take watching you cry getting stitched up again!"

"Hey I was tearing, not crying!" He corrected. "I just won't let myself be hurt this time. You know I can be quite a strong guy when I'm in the right situation." He said trying his hardest to flex his noodle limbs.

"I'm not as worried about that dear; I know Pen will do his best to protect you. I'm more worried about what these relics are doing to you." Betty said wiping his cheek.

"What do you mean? I'm just as spry as a newborn chicken."

"I man I think your fascination with these relics of the past has become a dangerous addiction.

"That's exactly why this will be my last trip. The last artifact I get."

"Simon, last time you almost went blind and went on like nothing happened." She said with a sudden aggression. "I'm scared these objects aren't just going to affect your mind, they're going to affect your bod." She began tearing up. "I don't want to lose you Simon."

Simon came closer to her and embraced her in a hug.

"Betty. I promise nothing in this world is strong enough to take me away from you, my princess. Remember these are only old artifacts. There is nothing supernatural about them. Kaol gave us everything we'd need to get the book anyway. I promise I will be safe." Simon said as he looked her in the eye and stroked her hair gently.

"You promise?" Betty sniffled.

"Promise."

They shared a tender kiss and moment. The blare of a car horn disrupted the couple.

"Oi! Simon, you say goodbye to the sweet lass yet? That book ain't getting any younger."

Simon slowly parted from Betty still deciding what to do. After a moment of silence that seemed to last forever, Betty finally spoke.

"I'm coming with you."

"You want to join me? But what about…"

"You never know, Pen may not be enough."

"So you have to protect me too?" Simon joked.

"I just want to make sure if anything happens, I'm by your side." She said with an intoxicating smile.

* * *

"Come on where is that mucker?" Pen said to himself waiting beside a cab.

Simon and Betty finally walked outside hand in hand. They were both bundled up for the weather carrying their bags. This was the third snowstorm this month and it was freezing. Simon and Betty held each other close trying to gain warmth from each other. They were greeted to more honking from the cab.

"And here I was worried you got whipped into staying." Pen said cheekily. "Looks like my little Simon's all grown up." He sniffled.

"Oh shut up." Simon replied leading his lady into the car. "When are you going to grow up?"

"Let's get out of here." He said stepping inside.

"Onward to Greece!" Pen shouted.

* * *

There it stood before them. While it wasn't the tallest of towers there was certainly a height to the energy it emanated. Unlike most of the places the group had gone too that were abandoned or dangerous, this place was crowded by tourists with their cameras flickering away. People seemed to walk aimlessly around the area bumping into everyone. The old cracked soil they stepped on felt hollow, like one wrong move would send you a thousand meters into the Earth. Simon, Pen, Betty and Jack navigated through the crowd and finally reached the tower itself. A heavy-set security officer stood in their way.

"Excuse me this is a historical landmark, unless you have authorization to go beyond here step aside."

"Yes my name is Simon Petrikov. We're affiliated with the International Museum of Historical artifacts, we've been sent by curator Kaol Ward himself."

"Simon Petrikov? You mean the crazy guy who goes to deadly dangerous places picking up old artifacts and antiques left in this modern world by the people of old?" The man questioned as he took a glance at Simon's card.

He continued observing the card, making the silence that much more unbearable. After a whole he finally spoke.

"Meh, I don't believe you."

"Just let us in you plonker!" Pen yelled.

"Fine. Whole worlds gone to Nightosphere anyway. Why should I care if ya'll break an old boring tower?" He said stepping aside.

Pen cut through the door to the tower, letting them walk inside. It was moldy and humid, yet there was a very cold presence in the air.

"It doesn't look like anyone's come inside in ages." Betty said.

"Hopefully that means the book is unscathed." Simon said getting anxious.

Suddenly Pen's sword started glowing.

"Here we go." He said as he unsheathed it. It began pointing him in a direction.

They all began to follow Pen follow the blade until they hit a wall. Perplexed, Pen poked the wall a couple of times with the sword. Then the sword forced itself to point straight down.

"Look." Betty said.

Jack had been sniffing around a small opening on the floor below them.

"Now what?" Betty asked, appearing stunned.

Pen took a glance at the sword.

"So you wanna go in there baby. Ok, I promise I won't be too rough with ya." Pen said.

He then stuck the sword in the slot, making Jack jump back. Soon the tower began to rumble. Jack began barking and running in circles panicking. A large crack began to form in the wall. Simon, Pen and Betty all had a look of anticipation at what would happen next.

Suddenly, everything stopped. The four of them stood waiting for something to happen, but there was nothing but silence and disappointment.

"That's it?" Pen said.

"It looks like all we managed to do was break a landmark." Simon said.

"A lot good that did, what made you think that would work?" Betty asked.

"I just thought she'd look awesome stuffed in there." Pen explained.

"Well at least now we know that there was nothing here after-."

Before she could finish, the floor completely imploded below them. They fell into the revealed pit bracing for the inevitably painful impact. The hole seemed endless.

"I told you bad things would happen." Betty screamed.

"I'm so sorry Betty! Please know I'd never wish for something like this to happen. I promise no matter what, if we make it out of this alive, I'll never adventure for another day in my life." Simon pledged.

The two embraced each other.

"I never said this to anyone but I love you man." Pen said squeezing Jack.

Everything went black as they continued to descend into the darkness.

* * *

Pen felt a crippling pain in his sides after the impact. He didn't have to look to know his legs and back were broken. He was breathing heavily and could only see straight ahead. He was on the bottom of their human…and dog ladder. Jack was in his arms in front of him, Simon fell atop jack and Betty fell atop Simon.

"Good you're all ok." Pen managed to choke out. "Man, out of all the falls we've had over the years that one was tops. I didn't think we were gonna make it."

His friends didn't respond. None of the patronizing cautioning from Betty, no monologue about everything Pen did wrong from Simon, not even the excited drenching of his face by Jack.

"Maybe I spoke to soon." He said realizing he was alone.

"Simon man, you gotta get up and get that book. You got something to look forward too. To be honest I kind of envy that of you, you got a sweet lass who loves you, millions of kids who look up to you, you even make my rank old brother a cool guy. Even if I can't do anything, you gotta get up. The world don't need me, but it sure as heck needs you."

He began tearing up a little bit knowing he couldn't do anything in his condition. He cocked his head to the side and noticed something. His wet eyes made it difficult, but he began to make out something. It blended in well with the dirty dusty surroundings. Soon he could make out the little sword, the skull head, and the grapes, all there on the auburn cover. There it was the Enchiridion.

Instinctively he tried to get up and run to it but found it to be no use.

"Simon get up, its right there, Simon!" Pen pleaded.

Suddenly two bony hands grabbed the book. Surprised Pen got a closer look at his surroundings. It was a small circular room, with skeletal Greek warriors standing tall with their swords pointing down. They were all decked out in long togas. Pen realized one of these figures held the book in his hands. It was the only one without a blade.

Pen shuttered at the sound of the booming voice. He struggled more than ever to get to his feet.

_Come brave warrior shows us your might_

_Your will of fortitude, your scorn of plight_

In a desperate fight or flight attempt, Pen pushed aside his friends and rolled over on his belly. He crawled over to the warrior, and pulled himself up on its robe.

He took a glance at the statue and noticed its helmet was missing one of its horns. He picked up the horn they had brought and managed to secure it onto the helmet. He then took his sword and placed it in the warrior's sheath. He held the vile of blood in his hands but did not see a spot for it. He then noticed the extra broken bones in the chest cavity of the figure. Seeing no other option he placed the vile there.

_This blood is unsatisfactory man_

_You need to come up with a better plan_

"Darn it! Come on, there has to be something I can do!" Pen said.

_The blood attempt is not the requested_

_But in this tomb there is blood of the hero to be tested_

"What are you blathering on about, bones? I don't have any…more…blood?" He said looking at his arm.

"But I'm no hero. I'm just a hired hand who loves fighting monsters and stuff. I'm just a bodyguard, that's my deal." Pen explained.

_The book does not lie_

_Heroic blood in you…lies_

"You rhymed lie with lie? Weak."

_Just give us some of your blood already_

"Fine!" Pen finally buckled.

He used one of his teeth in his hand to make a small cut on his finger. Not sure what to do next, he dropped some of the blood on the skeletal hands. The room began to shake as the skeleton's hands began to release the book.

_The ancient tomb and the skeletal hood _

_Shall only open for heroic blood_

_When darkness reigns, in endless night_

_Lock the book here and keep it tight!_

With heavy and yearning hands, Pen picked up the book. While its age was quite apparent it felt like no one had ever turned a single page. He quickly began flipping through the book but was stopped by a whirring sound. He looked into the skulls eye and saw a blue light shine. He instinctively put the book in front of him, letting the light touch the book. The light found its way to the small door on its cover, causing it to open.

A holographic image appeared onscreen. It was of a tiny little man in a simple robe. He had a book that appeared to float above his head.

"Hi I'm Booko. What you hold in your hands right now bravest warrior is the Enchiridion also known as the hero's handbook, the unholy scripture, dimension dominator, book book, niksplichgaginkkakoo, the macguffin and more throughout its long existence." The figure began.

"The book was coveted by evil wizards of the past, who used it's great power to conquer many worlds, but they were stopped in this realm by angry Greek warriors who killed all the wizards and sealed the book within this tower deeming it to be too powerful for mortals promising only to release it from its tomb to a righteous hero who would stop evil from destroying the world with it."

"Wow must be a powerful book." Pen said.

"Well the enchiridion was designed to be capable of drawing the magic energy of the gems of power created by the wizards. With the gems The Enchiridion will have the power to create a portal to any dimension in the multiverse."

"Wow, Simon's not gonna believe this when I show it to him." Pen said.

"Sorry, but the book will only reveal its power and history to those either those with the gems of power or those with the blood of a hero rushing through there skinny little veins." Book-o explained.

"Oh so where are the gems?"

"I dunno. I'm a hologram dude."

"Oh man you telling me I'm going to be the only one who is gonna be able to read this forever?" Pen asked a little disheartened.

"Only you or someone you share blood with." Book-o added.

"Well anyway that's not important, what is, is that we got the book." Pen said satisfied.

"Hey, ouch." Book-o said as Pen closed the small door.

"But now how are we gonna get out of here?" Pen said remembering his injuries and his friend's condition.

He paused to think but for some reason only found himself thinking of using the bathroom. "Man why do I have to wiz right now?" Soon the sound of rushing water in his head became a reality. He could make out the familiar sound in the distance.

"Wait, it can't be…"

A torrent of water rushed in through the hole behind the skeleton. It instantly swept away the entire crew and began filling the room. Pen managed to resurface against the current.

"PEN!" A voice called to him.

It was Simon who had just came to along with Betty and Jack. He was completely overwhelmed by the current.

"What happened?"

"I don't know I grabbed the book then next thing I know, a whole ton of water came and mucked up the place." Pen explained.

"BETTY!" Where are you?" Simon called.

Betty was trying her best to hold on to ribs of one of the skeletons which were oddly unfazed by the flood.

"SIMON!" Betty yelled back. The ribs snapped and Betty got swallowed by the current.

"BETTY!" Simon immediately swam towards her. He fought as hard as he could but the current was to strong and he was pushed back and knocked against the wall.

The water was rising fast and there was little anyone could do to stop it. Jack who was barely visible in the water managed to grabbed Betty who was little more than a log floating underwater. As the water rose it slowly became easier to traverse through. Jack was able to carry Betty to Simon, who saw him and grabbed on to his fur as quickly as possible. Jack swam up to the top, as fast as he could, with a look of worry about his master who had not seen.

* * *

On the outside the mass of tourist had gathered directly in front of the tower of winds. Pictures were snapping rapidly. Soon the Tower began shaking. Itrocked back and forth violently to the horror of the tourist.

"Everybody something is going down. Run ruuuun!" The security guard said evacuating everyone.

The crowd ran screaming as the tower was annihilated by the geyser of water that sprang from beneath it.

From out the windows of the tower one could see Simon, Betty and Jack floating on the cascading water down to earth. Simon immediately grabbed Betty.

"Oh Betty I'm so sorry!" Simon said as he tried to press the water out of her. "I should have listened to you! I shouldn't have tried to go after this stupid book." He wiped tears away from his face as he continued his CPR.

The crowd returned to view the heart-wrenching scene.

"I was so weak I couldn't even save you. I'm such an idiot." "I won't ever let my stupidity put you in danger ever again."

Suddenly Betty gently squeezed on his shirt. Simon stopped elated to see a reaction from her. She coughed up some water and tightened her grip. She brought Simon in closer. Simon wiped his remaining tears away as his beloved came ever closer. She then gave him a brutal slap that knocked off his glasses.

As he wiped his face, she straightened her own glasses and gave him a kiss. "Sweetie, I love you because you're an idiot." She said tenderly. "Just knowing you'd risk your life for me like you did, and put me above all else is enough for me to forgive you."

Simon was overwhelmed with joy even though now he could barely make out his princess' face. They embraced each other in another kiss and hug. The entire crowd went ballistic with cheer. No one knew what happened but they enjoyed the moment. Camera flickers were once again in full supply.

"But seriously, no more of this stuff." Betty said sternly.

"Of course." Simon replied.

Jack suddenly began howling.

"Ah Pen!" Simon remembered. They both got up and ran to Jack who was looking over is crippled master's body. The crowd followed only stopping the photos once the saw the body before them.

Pen was sprawled out on his side, legs twisted, fingers broken and arms scared. His ever neat blonde hair was matted dirtied and tight. He didn't move a muscle.

"Oh Pen. No…." Simon whimpered.

"No more tears man. Let's put a smile on that face." Pen choked out as he coughed up some water. He turned over and revealed the Enchiridion, dry as a bone.

Simon and Betty were excited knowing all their effort wasn't for naught. Jack began doing flips and licked his master's face furiously.

"Hey settle down everyone, we all made it and got off with the loot." He said passing the book to Simon.

"We need to get this back to the museum." Simon said.

Pen laughed in triumph until he remembered his injuries.

"Ow." He muttered as he passed out.

"He needs medical treatment; he's banged up really bad." Betty said worried.

"I'll take care of him!" A voice behind them called.

From out of the crowd Kaol walked in with his diligent crew.

"Kaol? How did you…"

"That's not important, did you get the book?" Kaol rushed.

Before Simon could respond Kaol saw the legendary text in his hands and approached it. He was practically salivating over it.

"Finally, after so many years…" Kaol whispered to himself.

He then took a glance at Pen.

"Get him to the limo." Kaol ordered. In an instant the men shuffled to pick up Pen's large broken frame.

"Wait Kaol…" Simon said.

"Simon you've outdone yourself. I never thought I'd see the book in real life." Kaol said again admiring the book. "We must make an extra special spot for this in our archives."

"What about Pen is he going to be ok?" Betty asked.

"He'll be fine." Kaol said as he pulled out two gold cards.

"I'll make sure to give him his pay as well." He said handing the two their credits. "Now hurry yourself."

Simon was befuddled staring at the card. Kaol walked away as if nothing had happened. Deciding not to waste time trying to figure out what just happened; Simon and Betty followed Kaol.


End file.
